No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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