just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
