I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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