I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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