A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
