I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
