Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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