You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
