I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize