Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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