I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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