great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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