ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize