so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Is it because I queefed?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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