I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize