Will you blow on my dice?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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