I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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