This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
