I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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