I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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