Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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