I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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