all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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