So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
