dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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