he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
