I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
