Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize