I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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