i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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