That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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