you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
