i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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