Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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