Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
