She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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