I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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