Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She told me I should be a condom model.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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