I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
