he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
