quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
