I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
