Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
