I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
