Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
