I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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