Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
