ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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