I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
