I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
