i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My feet surprised me
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