Church boner. Awkwardddd
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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