so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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