I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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