dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
