well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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