it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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