I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize