He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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