Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize